I just need to release this
We’re not really talking right now because he knows I’m upset and he really only knows part of it, but if I had my chance to say things how I wanted to say them, this is what I would say….
Just let me talk…and please listen…. and please be honest and please say something when I’m done that is real.
Promise me that?
OK, don’t mute the phone or set it down, just listen….
I just need to ask you this one thing…. And I’m going to ask you now so you have it in mind, but don’t answer until I’m done.
Should I be waiting for something?
You gave me your word before the new year that 2012 had changes in store and that one of them was to disappoint me less and the last time I came over you said that things were going to change and so I’ve been waiting. So when you answer, please just be completely honest…
I’ve been upset with you for a while now. Mostly just really saddened by your actions. I never thought I’d ever be treated this way by anyone let alone by you. I’m not even sure you realize what you’re doing or care about it or what. Before the holidays we spent the evening at the pier and you asked me to stay the night with you. My first instinct was “no”. But you asked and you proceeded to persuade me and against my better judgement I complied and stayed with you. I knew I’d be uncomfortable in a house I’m not used to and felt it was disrespectful sneaking in that way and yet I did it because you seemed like you really wanted me to and if I can have anything to do with making you smile and making you happy, I want to be a part of that. because I like you. You make me laugh and when we are together, we have a good time. At least I know I do. But we woke the next morning and you got your fix from me, showered and went off to work. Then I didn’t hear from you for two weeks until I finally called you. Do you understand how that makes a girl feel? At least call…say something. I know we’re not in a relationship, but we’re obviously more than friends and I told you that if we were going to do this you needed to make me feel like your friend first and you needed to make me feel important and you said that it wasn’t too much to ask so I agreed. I needed you to hold up that end of the bargain because I don’t do these kinds of things with just anyone. I’m not a slut… I’m not some whore you call for the night. And so when you agree to hang out and ask me to stay with you and don’t call or anything… I feel used. It feels like that’s all you wanted and once you got it… that was that. You said what you needed to say to get what you wanted. You got it, you won… and you were done. But then when we finally spoke, you said that you were “figuring things out” and so I gave you the benefit of the doubt. So we carried on and we had some good times and then came the last thursday I was at your place. Again, I said “no”.. I didn’t want to go. Whenever you ask me to come and do something I’m there… More and more the only thing you ask me to come for is sex or pleasure or whatever you want to call it. You never just want to hang out or at least do something other than that or even just in addition to that. That should always be dessert, not the main course. And on top of that, I ask for your time and it’s always a ‘no”. So that thursday I didn’t want to go because I don’t like this feeling of you being around only for this. So I said “no” and you proceeded to ask and I gave in on the condition that we didn’t do anything. Of course that wasn’t the case when I got there and you started to kiss me and pull my hands and I kept pulling back. finally I looked at you and asked you to promise that things would be different and you promised. You looked at me and promised. I left that day and nothing has changed. I hear from you less and the moment you keep talking about of me being surprised by you in a good way has yet to come. So I’m hurt right now because I feel stupid for believing you. I feel used. I feel ashamed that I fell for every word you told me. But I don’t want to believe that. I’m trying to keep faith and believe that the day is coming. This bullshit is why I was thankful for this not being a relationship. We could be friends, hang out, and if it was a good time/place, we’d have a little extra fun. But that extra fun is all we seem to have and it’s only when you want it at your convenience and that’s not what I wanted this to be. But I’m hoping that the guy I think I know, my friend… is still there. That you’re a good person and that you wouldn’t lie just to get what you want out of me. So, I’m still here…waiting. But please don’t make me wait for nothing. You’ve already done enough to make me feel as low as I possibly could. I’m not that girl that just goes around sleeping with guys. I’m very unattached and hesitant towards any sort of intimacy because I hate the bullshit. All you needed to do was be a good friend.
And so that’s how you’ve made me feel… low, dirty, ashamed and used. So tell me this, should I be waiting? Are you going to prove yourself? Or can you just not waste my time and let me go because I’m so tired. Stop leaving me hanging. Be a man, step up and do something. Fuck the “I’m figuring things out”… That’s bullshit. We all are and yet we still show up for work and talk to our families and do things on the weekends. You still live life as you’re figuring it out. That’s such a lame excuse so man up and decide what’s important to you. If I’m one of those things and you need me to give you a minute then I’ll wait but you have to tell me when/what am I waiting for. You can’t leave me in the dark. And if I’m not important and you don’t want this, then tell me that and I’ll go away. I don’t have you talk to you ever again. And careful with your decision because you doing things right doesn’t give you back the privilege to do those things with me anymore. I loved it when you told me I was beautiful and said good morning to me when the day started. How you kiss me and how good it feels when we’re doing those things together. But the more I give you that, the more you strip me of me dignity.
Now, if I’m going to do anything like that with a guy, I want him to be a man. A man who knows what he wants and is willing to fight for it. Wants to fight for it. A man who can handle his life and make time for mine because I’m important. I was too easy on you. I should have been more demanding because I deserve those things. It’s not even much to ask for.
So now answer me… should I be waiting? And if so, what for… Tell me where you’re mind is at. No bullshit..
You say yes and you’re honest about what you’re plans are…what you have in mind… and you’ll have a friend waiting.
You say no, that you don’t want to be my friend and I’m gone… I’ve walked away from a lot of things in life… I can do this too.
